So I may have a bit of bi-polar post-itis. I have the happy, all is well, 'I'm a great mom' posts, and then the 'I'm losing my mind' posts. I just noticed I complained on facebook tonight about dealing with my cranky awake 1 year old, when just a few posts ago I was dishing out advice like a pro about taking a deep breath in moments like that. Well I was deep breathing but it wasn't helping her figure out what her tired but upset little self needed! So I apologize now for the know-it-all-ness moments.
In other news, holy thunderstorm little girl this evening! Claire does not know if she's up or down lately. Combine two new teeth (and about four more on the way I suspect), with that one and a half year old 'know what they want but can't articulate it' frustration, learning she can shake her head no, and a discovery that screaming tantrums make mommy move fast. But you know, I think I could take a deep breath and handle it all a little more smoothly if it wasn't for another factor. I just went back to work. In the last few weeks, my kids went from having mommy very literally nearly always close at hand, to me being gone four days a week. And the fact that I'm causing even a little part of Claire's stress makes me sad. And then their upset days make me feel very guilty, and then it's so much harder to take them in stride.
Seth and Claire have both been doing it. And we've been through this reaction to this change before, although with Thane and Seth. The unreasonableness when we're home, just more upset for no apparent reasons. Seth's has been coming out in being disagreeable, about things like getting dressed or his boots off or on, and using his whiny voice all the time. The way he asks for juice has been killing me. "I wannnntttt sommmeee juuuuiiccce mommy!" Somehow even with his thumb in his mouth that last part gets really high-pitched. And Claire frowns at the majority of suggestions and flicks between wanting a snuggle to pushing away. They're doing what little humans do, dealing with change is stressful for anyone and they don't even know why they're upset, let alone able to tell me "I'm just a little stressed right now and I don't even know what I want".
I can rationally justify all of it. It's a good job that I enjoy and is very flexible, they'll get used to it, Troy's still here two of the days and they only have to go to a babysitter two days a week and she loves them and them her, and she feeds them well, and cuddles them, and gets them outside a lot, and they get to play with other children there. And I won't always be this tired, the prenancy, as usual, is definitely compounding my ability to be fully present when I am home. But my god this endless career vs. motherhood debate in my head makes me crazy. I can't help but feel that my first job as a mom is to be there for them always.
It will get better once I'm not so preggo exhausted. Then at least when I'm home I could muster up my normal mostly cheerful mothering. That was a big part of tonight's momma meltdown. Yesterday I decided I had to do like Dory and 'just keep swimming' if I was going to get anything done, so today I was extra tired and emotional. Good times in the motherhood.
On a good note, I do LOVE this job. I think it's going to continue to be great. At points I feel like I'm going to be disappointed to go on my own maternity leave. Although I wouldn't go so far as to subject the gallery and the community to my newborn baby brain either!