Since the advent of facebook, do you ever think in terms of facebook status'? I do, particularily when driving. "Victoria is... hungry", "Victoria is... ready to go for the day", "Victoria is... cleaning, again.". Succinct little phrases, summing up one's existence and attitude at the moment. The other day, had I been near a computer, it would have been "Victoria is older and wiser today." I feel older, in a more steady, reasonable way, maybe a little less rash, not just doing because I want or I feel so.
Today though, "Victoria is.. sad." We're moving.
I should be excited. My facebook status brain has tried out, "We bought a pretty house in the country!" and "Victoria is moving home!". But I'm not there yet.
We got the deal of the century on a pretty home in the country near my parents in NB, where I grew up. It has eight acres where I can picture my kids exploring, surrounded by pretty hardwoods with their excellent climbing branches, a view of the Saint John river. I remember driving home from university for the first time, for Thanksgiving weekend my first year away. I suddenly noticed the river as if I had just seen it for the first time and realized all of a sudden how much I had missed it, ever-changing but ever-constant, something so meditative about it. It has a holistic feel, something zen that makes you breathe in deep and appreciate nature. Part of the house is probably 150 years old, an old farmhouse with character, the type of house I always imagined buying and fixing up. These are the list of pros we've compiled.
There's also of course, that we'll be close to my parents. And my extended family, my sister and her family, my aunts, my cousins, my grandparents. But that's not the reason in itself that we're moving. One of my sisters is here actually, I'll miss being near her. Very much. I've gotten used to the 6 hour drive home. And so have my kids. I see my parents often, probably every couple months or so. They come here often, we go up. I used to cry at the end of each visit as they drove off. But that's easier now. I know now it won't seem like long until we'll see each other again.
We're moving because it's a smart decision. With what we'll profit on this house, and with our new mortgage being a fraction of this one, it makes sense. Now we can fathom paying off our student loans simultaneously with our mortgage. Not having to include overtime for Troy in the budget will be a welcome change. Visions of sugar-plums dancing in our heads? Yep, our sugar-plums are family vacations becoming a possibility, savings accounts that don't get raided, and hopefully a little extra for renovating.
I hope it works.
Because in the meantime, we're leaving what we know. Moving home is not so hard for me, but nervewracking all at the same time. It's been 10 years, although it's still my family and my hometown. A very small hometown that I think will take some getting used to again, but mine nonetheless. But for Troy and the kids? Although Troy is fully on-board, the one to make the final call on the moving idea, we're leaving what has always been their home. We're uprooting and moving away from Troy's family. Which makes me miserably sad. Not going out for Sunday afternoon visits? Not having Grampie Hutt call and say he misses the little men, he'll pick them up after work? I can't even go there, it's too sad.
The kids were all born in Halifax. I was planning on Claire going to the same preschool the boys have attended, the one with the teachers who we love. I'm familiar with Thane's school, the other kids in his class, the parents there. I know when and where to register the kids for swimming, gymnastics, skating. I know most of my neighbours now, the familiarity is comforting. I looked in my wallet the other day and had the sudden realization that I am going to need a new NB health card, doctor for that matter, which reminded me we are also going to need a new dentist, chiropractor, eye doctor, babysitters, even our library and movie store cards must change. Our car license plates, our car and house insurance, our telephone, oh my. It's daunting.
I'm sure this will be followed by many posts about how excited I am. But not tonight, tonight I'm sad, nervous, apprehensive. I'm feeling old, the weight of making responsible decisions for your family, one's that aren't so easy, is feeling heavy.