Sunday, January 31, 2010

Blahs blah blah blahs blahs

I have the blahs. The winter is so frigging cold that my fingers constantly hurt and I walk around my house in a blanket blahs. The pregnant low energy my house constantly needs cleaned blahs. The stress is seeping in from all sides blahs.
I promise that one day soon, very soon, I will write a nice post for you. A happy post with lovely pictures. I think it will be a sweet 'Corners of my Home' post. Unfortunately for you, this is not that post.

Do you know what I think I dislike the most about being pregnant? Not being able to trust that my irritation in the people around me has legit reasoning behind it, or if I should just take a deep breath and chalk it up to those damn hormones. I probably should just take a deep breath anyway.

Yesterday I read this blog post by my dear friend, who is so sweet. Her post was about her family, and how much they mean to her. Alas, can you imagine what this lovely and loving post made my irritable pregnant self reflect on?

How much my family is stressing me out right now.

Yep, because apparently I'm not such a nice sweet person. Normally that actually is untrue. But really, my family is driving me slightly crazy right now.

One of my sister's is going through some really rock-bottom moments in a divorce right now. Or we hope this is rock bottom, I don't know if any of us, especially her, can take any more despair. My crazy comes from the stress that is simply seeping in from this. I want so badly to help her, to be there for her, to do anything I can to help my nieces, those sweet little girls I love, but there's so little ways to do this. I find myself pulled between the dueling emotions of compassion and attempting to be some sort of rock for her, being mad at her for reasons I can't even pinpoint, guilt that my life is so easy and lovely, and a desire to preserve myself and my little family. Sometimes I want to block the whole situation out of my brain, attempt to not be drained and upset and affect my little people, those I care about most. Loving people is so hard. I'm worried about my parents, they're so tore apart by this, I worry about their stress and health in it all. I'm frustrated by camps that have been built in our extended family around the situation, angry about rumors and misinformation and hard feelings.

And my other sister and I are fighting for no reason at all. Because I moved away from her and we miss each other.

To be fair to my better, more kind qualities, most of how they're driving me crazy is because I care about them so much. I care for their well being and care about their opinions. I want them to be happy and I want to be there for them, and I don't feel like there's enough of me to do all of that.

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